Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Quote of the Day"
I'm mailing this one in with a "quote of the day". This one is from my highschool days and is actually the meanest insult I've ever heard. In the middle of class someone actually said to someone else(unprovoked might I add)
"You look like Molly Ringwald...........except if she got fucked up really bad in a car accident"
"You look like Molly Ringwald...........except if she got fucked up really bad in a car accident"
Monday, August 18, 2008
"Picture of the Day" by Ayatollah Nic
"Sometimes you gotta do some wild and ballin' shit"
-Dwight D Eisenhower
*Disclaimer....No animals were hurt in the taking of this picture....so don't be an asshole. It's all in fun.
-Dwight D Eisenhower
*Disclaimer....No animals were hurt in the taking of this picture....so don't be an asshole. It's all in fun.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
"Ask Someone" -by Ayatollah Nic
So, normally this would be an Ask Joe....but he's on vacation trying to fix some shit Franchione fucked up(for the second time....also....Fran has man titties and a pussy voice. Not man titties like Dubose, but man titties nonetheless)......and quite honestly.....this question has to do with technology and Joe Kines is 114 years old. Indoor plumbing is technological for him. So, I'm going to attempt to answer the question(which was originally posted in the comments section of another post)
Dear Joe:
My goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch playstation three is fucking up. I've tried a couple of things. I don't really know if this is your area of expertise or not. Is there anything i can do or am i better off putting my own thumb up my ass? No homo!
yours truly,
Bumble Bee Tuna
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, as I said, I'm not Joe but I'll give it a shot. Probably a good thing because as soon as coach Kines would have read about you putting your thumb up your own ass, he would've had a stroke. If not, his head would've exploded at the contradiction that is you mentioning reaming yourself with what separates us from many other mammals(opposable thumb) which is some extra homo shit.....then yelling no homo. I'm baffled by it myself, but i'm on that "high tea"...which is at a good temperature.....so fuck it.
I'd say just to wait for your emotionally crippled older brother to break down and give into his gaming addiction.....just 1 day after swearing off gaming. Then you don't have to spend a dime and you get a brand new playstation 3.
Should be fun.
Dear Joe:
My goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch playstation three is fucking up. I've tried a couple of things. I don't really know if this is your area of expertise or not. Is there anything i can do or am i better off putting my own thumb up my ass? No homo!
yours truly,
Bumble Bee Tuna
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, as I said, I'm not Joe but I'll give it a shot. Probably a good thing because as soon as coach Kines would have read about you putting your thumb up your own ass, he would've had a stroke. If not, his head would've exploded at the contradiction that is you mentioning reaming yourself with what separates us from many other mammals(opposable thumb) which is some extra homo shit.....then yelling no homo. I'm baffled by it myself, but i'm on that "high tea"...which is at a good temperature.....so fuck it.
I'd say just to wait for your emotionally crippled older brother to break down and give into his gaming addiction.....just 1 day after swearing off gaming. Then you don't have to spend a dime and you get a brand new playstation 3.
Should be fun.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
REPORT: Green Bay Packers to offer Ayatollah Nic $20 dollars to retire
Report.
Green Bay, WI
Upon the news that Brett Favre will not accept the Green Bay Packers' offer of $20 million dollars to retire from professional football, the Packers have turned their attention to another annoyance out of the state of Mississippi...offering $20 dollars over the course of 10 years(or $14 if he wants it in a lump sum) to 'comical'(if you could call it that....where i'm from, we call his writing "hackish") writer Ayatollah Nic who runs some 2 bit joint called Inside Trout. GM Ted Thompson was quoted as saying "Look...I am perfectly willing to give this Nic guy $20 dollars out of my own pocket if he just stops writing. His ability to piss people off is unprecedented....but in an awful way. Quite honestly...even if he was any good.....and he's not.....he hasn't written anything in half a month." Upon reports that if Nic did not accept the offer the GM was strongly considering sending AJ Hawk after him with a sledgehammer, Thompson said "Look, we've explored ALL possibilities but the fact of the matter is that even with AJ being a world class athlete.......you guys forget that Nic grew up in the southeast and AJ played in the big 10....AT OHIO STATE NONETHELESS. There is no way in hell AJ could catch him. We're just hoping this schmuck takes our more than generous offer"
We managed to catch up with Nic walking out of 'Mama Mia' at his local theatre and he had this to say "Oh shit. I uh......my little sister left her purse in there while I was watching the "Dark Knight for the 6th time......i definitely wasn't watching 'Mama Mia'. What? $20? I haven't written there in like half a month. Um.....you think they'll throw in an extra $2? I want to get a half tank of gas."
In other news......Brett Favre has a hang nail. Brett Favre's first uncle on his mom's side has syphilis. Brett smiled at me today and I felt pretty. He probably should have won an academy award for his role in 'Something about Mary'. Be sure to check any god damned website, tv station, radio station, newspaper, or local creepy guy who wears his Favre jersey 4 times a week every minute on the minute for a Brett 'motherfucking' Favre update.
Green Bay, WI
Upon the news that Brett Favre will not accept the Green Bay Packers' offer of $20 million dollars to retire from professional football, the Packers have turned their attention to another annoyance out of the state of Mississippi...offering $20 dollars over the course of 10 years(or $14 if he wants it in a lump sum) to 'comical'(if you could call it that....where i'm from, we call his writing "hackish") writer Ayatollah Nic who runs some 2 bit joint called Inside Trout. GM Ted Thompson was quoted as saying "Look...I am perfectly willing to give this Nic guy $20 dollars out of my own pocket if he just stops writing. His ability to piss people off is unprecedented....but in an awful way. Quite honestly...even if he was any good.....and he's not.....he hasn't written anything in half a month." Upon reports that if Nic did not accept the offer the GM was strongly considering sending AJ Hawk after him with a sledgehammer, Thompson said "Look, we've explored ALL possibilities but the fact of the matter is that even with AJ being a world class athlete.......you guys forget that Nic grew up in the southeast and AJ played in the big 10....AT OHIO STATE NONETHELESS. There is no way in hell AJ could catch him. We're just hoping this schmuck takes our more than generous offer"
We managed to catch up with Nic walking out of 'Mama Mia' at his local theatre and he had this to say "Oh shit. I uh......my little sister left her purse in there while I was watching the "Dark Knight for the 6th time......i definitely wasn't watching 'Mama Mia'. What? $20? I haven't written there in like half a month. Um.....you think they'll throw in an extra $2? I want to get a half tank of gas."
In other news......Brett Favre has a hang nail. Brett Favre's first uncle on his mom's side has syphilis. Brett smiled at me today and I felt pretty. He probably should have won an academy award for his role in 'Something about Mary'. Be sure to check any god damned website, tv station, radio station, newspaper, or local creepy guy who wears his Favre jersey 4 times a week every minute on the minute for a Brett 'motherfucking' Favre update.
Friday, July 18, 2008
"Ask Joe"
"Ask Joe" is a column in which we make up questions based on 'realish' events that people we know have been through and then make up answers while pretending to be Joe Kines. If you'd like to submit a question to Coach Kines, do so in the comment section and prepare to be mocked and to receive almost no help.....sorta like Dear Abby and every other advice column
In this week's column, Joe will attempt to help a portly fellow with an irrational and humorous fear of the guy who prepares steaks at Barnhills and Ryan's.
Dear Joe,
I'm a 20 something in Northeast Mississippi and I have a problem that I need help with. You see, almost everyone in my family is fairly large....myself included. In fact....my older brother and myself almost died on a water ride called the "Backsplash" in Philadelphia, MS because we ignored the "400 lb weight limit" knowing good and damned well that we exceeded that total by a combined weight of 200 pounds. Luckily, the stoner 16 year old working the ride saved us from ourselves and made us go separately. But that has little to do with my problem. In fact....most of America is catching up with us or passing us....so we're all good on that front. No, no....my problem has to do with the fact that my family loves to go to all you can eat buffets.....and I.....well........I'm scared of the steak man/woman.
Don't judge me damnit!
I know it's weird....but people have weird phobias. Some people are scared of clowns. Some people are scared of pickles. Some people are scared of clowns with pickles. Some people are scared of Crispin Glover doing a song about clowns and pickles. I'm scared of the steak man.....or rather....the interaction with the steak man. Call it bovis-homosapious phobia. It's like....I know I want steak or smoked sausage or whatever he is pushing today. He knows I want it the way I'm eyeing it. I just can't bring myself to ask him because I feel like it goes like this:
(individual thoughts in parentheses)
Me: Um....let me get a cut of steak and maybe some smoked sausage as well.
( God, this guys hat is intimidating and he also has a knife. He probably thinks I'm fat )
Steak guy: .....Cuts meat and looks mean. Says something that no one could possibly understand
Me: .....Thinks about making small talk before realizing that I hate small talk and wouldn't dare talk about the weather or something so trivial.
Steak guy: .....cuts the smallest possible slab of meat and puts it on the plate
That enough?
( Hell naw that ain't enough,this big ass dude is gonna want more... haha. Look at him,he wants more of it... haha.... Fat som' bitch )
Me: Um......yeah.......thanks.
(damn,this is a small ass piece of meat. maybe I'll grab half a roll and make a sandwich. )
It irritates the hell out of me Coach Kines. Why would they make this the one section that I can't self serve(along with drinks....which I don't seem to have a problem asking for) Help Coach!
Thanks,
Chubby....but well hung in Columbus
CHUBBY,
FIRST OF ALL, WHY DO ALL THESE DAMNED QUESTIONS COME OUT OF NORTHEAST MISSISSIPPI? CRAZY ASS PEOPLE. MAKE DELIVERANCE, GEORGIA SEEM NORMAL. NOW, FOR YOUR QUESTION. AIN'T NOTHIN WRONG WITH BEING BIG. REMEMBER THAT GAME....OKIE STATE....COULDN'T STOP THAT OL INSIDE TROUT. WHAT DID I DO? I THREW IT TO ANDRE SMITH'S HUGE ASS AND LET HIM EARTHQUAKE IT IN FOR 6 POINTS. SHIT BOY, FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS MAKE THE ROCKIN WORLD GO ROUND. SAY,YOU TAKE SOMEONE HOME FROM A BAR AND CAN'T FIND YOUR ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MORNING....BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLAP. THATS CALLED COMPROMISE AND TRADE OFF. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID IT...SO DID DANIEL BOONE. NO TIME TO STOP. YOU CAN BUY A NEW TOOTHBRUSH BUT YOU CAN'T BUY A NEW REPUTATION AND DOWNSTAIRS HAIRY BEANBAG. NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME STEAK....MAYBE A FIFTH OF SCOTCH. GO HARD OR GO HOME SON.
SINCERELY,
COACH KINES
Monday, July 14, 2008
"An intimate jailhouse convo" by Jimmy Johns(not the sandwich one) and Matt Jones
We join these two recent fuck ups in prison, where they'll probably be for a while. Someone grab them a Snickers.
Jimmy Johns: I got them 2 for 5 purple tops. What you need? What you need?
Matt Jones: Uh....I'm wiggin dude. You got some blow?
Jimmy Johns: Yo man, we're in jail. BUT....I do have some of them kool-aid straw shits.....it's good for pretend.
Matt Jones: Balls. Holy Shit am I ever glad I shaved my head after leaving Arkansas. I'd be getting butt raped almost constantly with my old flowing blonde locks.
Jimmy Johns: Oh, you're still gonna get butt raped. It's just that instead of being like a tall Mandy Moore, you're gonna be a tall Sinead O'Connor. It won't be as good for the guys....but they're in a pinch.
Matt Jones: Son of a bitch
Jimmy Johns: Probably won't help that you played tight end. Lots of guys in here don't watch football. They heard that a "professional tight end" was joining us and just started Irish Joe'ing themselves in anticipation.
Matt Jones: What does that mean? Irish Joe'ing?
Jimmy Johns: Oh you don't know that shit? That's this blog. It means jackin' off. Some guy wrote an entire column about it. He's crazy.
Matt Jones: Must be from Mississippi
Jimmy Jones: Naw, but the other guy is....so maybe it rubbed off. No pun or whatever the fuck they be sayin in english class
Matt Jones: Well this sucks. Wanna play cards
Jimmy Johns: Spades. Batesville style.
[deals cards and plays for the next 7-10 years]
fin
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Irish Joe's Look Back : aka The First Time
ahhhh the first time...
We all remember it, we all hold it dear and nothing will ever replace it in our hearts.It is a sacred time to each of us and one of our fondest memories.Something that we will relive in our minds countless times till our dying day.
Right now,you may be thinking.... what the hell is that crazy Irish bastard talking about ?
The first time I kissed a girl ?
The first time I beat my Grandmother at Scrabble ?
The first time I played naked twister on the living room rug with a half dozen well oiled, Dominican transsexuals ?
Noooooo.... WRONG !!!!
I am speaking of the first time we all got off....and no I'm not talking about the first time you did the horizontal mambo with the chubby pimple faced whore who lived next door to you...(damn you didn't know everybody in town was hitting that) ?
I am talking about the ol' tried and true past time of choking the chicken,bopping the bologna,tugging the tubesteak..you know...jacking off ...ladies for you, I am referring to the first time you were the house DJ at Club Vagina.
Ok now, that we are all on the same page,it's story time boys and girls...
I think it all started about age 12 for me.I remember ( insert squiggly dream-like sequence lines )... it was about 1985 or so on a hot summer afternoon and I was sitting at home watching MTV back when they played music aka (before the chicks and old dudes took over and forced us to watch reality shows with dumbfucks all day). Anyway,my mother and my brother had left to go to the store and I was given free reign of the homestead aka crappy apartment we lived in.
There I was a free semi-grown man making my way through the cruel city streets...a real desperado out on my own..a lone wolf .....ok so I locked the door when they left and never really went outside.
Fine...that much is true...but I did go out onto our balcony which just so happened to overlook the complex's pool area.
As I gazed around at the various sights in front of me I noticed one of the apartment complex lovelies was sunning herself by the pool.Now,It's been awhile and I couldn't recall her name even if I was forced to be the bottom man on a pile of naked terrorist detainees in some federal prison.However,
I'll tell you what I do remember..I can STILL picture her in that black 2 piece bikini with her auburn colored hair glistening in the afternoon sunlight.Small droplets of sweat mingling on her skin and the smell of jasmine in the air.(I made that part about jasmine up..Hey fuck off..it's my memory,I can embellish a little ) She was beeee-uuuu--ti---full without a doubt though.
Gurrrrrrlll's got an asssss like I nevaaa seeeenn...and the ride ...I said the ride.........was soooooo smoothh..(umm.....sorry about that)
Ok so after I noticed that the curse my mother told me about where guys turn to stone if they stare at girl's nice firm C cups,and perfect ass too long was starting to come to fruition starting in my boxer shorts,I decided to go back inside to regain my composure.
Well of course,nothing was going to stop years of superior genetic breeding from rearing it's ugly head and making me want to hump the couch or anything that moved for some reason unbeknownest to me.
what to do ?...what to do ? ..
I decided I would go with the flow and pursue this course of action.Hey..wait a minute..I believe there is something on the top shelf of the closet in Mom's room calling my name.Yes...yes.. there it was.The only thing left behind by Mom's last husband or stepfather # 341 ,when he went out for that pack of Winston's that apparently necessitated him packing up all his clothes up and taking a road trip to New York to find.
I'm not really sure why we still had it,but sure enough there it was....and it was GOLD to me at that moment.In fact ,it would still be gold today if I had a copy.Of course,I'm referring to the 1984 September issue of Penthouse magazine.
One of the finest examples of literary and photographic works in the modern era it contained 3 separate pictorials featuring Hypathia Lee,Vanessa Williams,and Traci Lords...Yep,two porn stars and a black Miss America...that is pure magic and something my friends that will never be produced again in the same magazine.... NEVER AGAIN !
Not to mention,enough clues in the Penthouse forum for even the most awkward geeky forum blogger to figure out a general idea of sex.
I got it out of the closet and proceeded with trembling hands to gently pry back the pages of this masterpiece,when I started to worry about about getting busted standing there with this instrument of the devil in my hands.Surely Mom,wasn't ready to know her little man had these emotions stirring deep within him..the desire to ..gulp...see chicks butt-ass nakie ?
No,she wouldn't understand and my brother if he saw would only have material for the next twenty years for every family reunion, cook out, and Thanksgiving dinner.Looking back,it's probably a good idea I put the dog and the peanut butter up too.
Finally, I headed to the bathroom...and while I was there I decided I might as well take a piss.Maybe that was the problem maybe I just needed to take a piss....Whewww, that had to be it,worked plenty of times before..I would be fine.
Of course .....that didn't work.
I was still too busy gazing at those nice, meaty, sweater puppies of Miss Traci Lords.
dayumm it grrl !!!
No matter what I did I was still strangely afflicted with this raging flesh sword that was preventing me from fastening my 80's style Bon Jovi jeans.I decided to sit on the edge of the tub and try and negotiate with the pink one-eyed monster while flipping through a few more pages of the Holy Grail of my adolescence.
While I sat there,I grew steadily more angry at this bizarre, unnatural condition that had overcome my usually reliable and well behaved penis.Wait..I know ...I'll just hold it down until it gives up the fight and goes away.....nope not working exactly as I planned.
Hmmm... HEY ..Vanessa Williams is cool she likes naked chicks too I see..
OK ENOUGH OF THIS...I'm just going to squeeze the little bastard to death,and show it who's boss around here.....Damn it !.......I'm probably missing Club MTV right now.
I gotta figure this out, Mom is going to be home soon and I'm going to beat the shit out of that dog if he keep scratching at the door......he couldn't have ate that whole jar of peanut butter that quick.
Suddenly...it happened...
I felt this sickening in the pit of my stomach..
WHAT THE FUCK ???...I'm going throw up now ???..Wait that doesn't feel like my stomach...OMG !.... MY PENIS !!.....I KILLED IT,it's going to come off of my body...I squeezed it too hard...stop...PLEASEEEEE STOPPPPPPP......WHAT HAVE I DONE ????
OMG,I'm sorry little guy are you ok...say something...SPEAK TO ME!!!
STOP SPITTING AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD !!!!!!!!!!!!
(breathing heavily)...OMG.. OMG...what just happened ?
Well something came out of the little guy.. but it's not blood...should I save some of it to show a doctor ? I may have ruptured my spleen...I could be dying...maybe I have a disease and I don't know...I should tell someone..somebody....I should tell Mom...I need to go to the emergency room.....ok hold on, let me calm down...THINK ...THINK..
DAMN THAT FUCKING DOG... he's going to claw a hole in the door !
Well after about 10 minutes I finally calmed down and decided to keep everything quiet until I could figure out what was going on.I put the Penthouse up in the closet and went back to watching my MTV.After dinner that night, it was shower time and despite my better judgment I decided that in the name of science I would try to reproduce the same effects I had encountered earlier.I needed to know if I was dying,and if I was maybe I needed to get the poison out of myself before it spread.This could be a life and death situation and I wasn't going to roll over and die.It could be my chance to help others who might share this affliction. I'm going to do it..I will be the guinea pig for my fellow man.Besides ......earlier, I felt pretty relaxed after the initial fear of dying passed.
fast forward....(that squiggly dream thingy again)
Well it's been several years now,the little guy and I are still around, and he swears to me that as long as I drain the poison at least 3 or 4 times a week my spleen will never become infected.... Which is good news !
Still,he won't shut up about Vanessa Williams's ass,and he constantly wants to cruise the internet for Traci Lords DVDs.Other than that ..I guess you could say I showed him who was boss...
I think...?
We all remember it, we all hold it dear and nothing will ever replace it in our hearts.It is a sacred time to each of us and one of our fondest memories.Something that we will relive in our minds countless times till our dying day.
Right now,you may be thinking.... what the hell is that crazy Irish bastard talking about ?
The first time I kissed a girl ?
The first time I beat my Grandmother at Scrabble ?
The first time I played naked twister on the living room rug with a half dozen well oiled, Dominican transsexuals ?
Noooooo.... WRONG !!!!
I am speaking of the first time we all got off....and no I'm not talking about the first time you did the horizontal mambo with the chubby pimple faced whore who lived next door to you...(damn you didn't know everybody in town was hitting that) ?
I am talking about the ol' tried and true past time of choking the chicken,bopping the bologna,tugging the tubesteak..you know...jacking off ...ladies for you, I am referring to the first time you were the house DJ at Club Vagina.
Ok now, that we are all on the same page,it's story time boys and girls...
I think it all started about age 12 for me.I remember ( insert squiggly dream-like sequence lines )... it was about 1985 or so on a hot summer afternoon and I was sitting at home watching MTV back when they played music aka (before the chicks and old dudes took over and forced us to watch reality shows with dumbfucks all day). Anyway,my mother and my brother had left to go to the store and I was given free reign of the homestead aka crappy apartment we lived in.
There I was a free semi-grown man making my way through the cruel city streets...a real desperado out on my own..a lone wolf .....ok so I locked the door when they left and never really went outside.
Fine...that much is true...but I did go out onto our balcony which just so happened to overlook the complex's pool area.
As I gazed around at the various sights in front of me I noticed one of the apartment complex lovelies was sunning herself by the pool.Now,It's been awhile and I couldn't recall her name even if I was forced to be the bottom man on a pile of naked terrorist detainees in some federal prison.However,
I'll tell you what I do remember..I can STILL picture her in that black 2 piece bikini with her auburn colored hair glistening in the afternoon sunlight.Small droplets of sweat mingling on her skin and the smell of jasmine in the air.(I made that part about jasmine up..Hey fuck off..it's my memory,I can embellish a little ) She was beeee-uuuu--ti---full without a doubt though.
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Gurrrrrrlll's got an asssss like I nevaaa seeeenn...and the ride ...I said the ride.........was soooooo smoothh..(umm.....sorry about that)
Ok so after I noticed that the curse my mother told me about where guys turn to stone if they stare at girl's nice firm C cups,and perfect ass too long was starting to come to fruition starting in my boxer shorts,I decided to go back inside to regain my composure.
Well of course,nothing was going to stop years of superior genetic breeding from rearing it's ugly head and making me want to hump the couch or anything that moved for some reason unbeknownest to me.
what to do ?...what to do ? ..
I decided I would go with the flow and pursue this course of action.Hey..wait a minute..I believe there is something on the top shelf of the closet in Mom's room calling my name.Yes...yes.. there it was.The only thing left behind by Mom's last husband or stepfather # 341 ,when he went out for that pack of Winston's that apparently necessitated him packing up all his clothes up and taking a road trip to New York to find.
I'm not really sure why we still had it,but sure enough there it was....and it was GOLD to me at that moment.In fact ,it would still be gold today if I had a copy.Of course,I'm referring to the 1984 September issue of Penthouse magazine.
One of the finest examples of literary and photographic works in the modern era it contained 3 separate pictorials featuring Hypathia Lee,Vanessa Williams,and Traci Lords...Yep,two porn stars and a black Miss America...that is pure magic and something my friends that will never be produced again in the same magazine.... NEVER AGAIN !
Not to mention,enough clues in the Penthouse forum for even the most awkward geeky forum blogger to figure out a general idea of sex.
I got it out of the closet and proceeded with trembling hands to gently pry back the pages of this masterpiece,when I started to worry about about getting busted standing there with this instrument of the devil in my hands.Surely Mom,wasn't ready to know her little man had these emotions stirring deep within him..the desire to ..gulp...see chicks butt-ass nakie ?
No,she wouldn't understand and my brother if he saw would only have material for the next twenty years for every family reunion, cook out, and Thanksgiving dinner.Looking back,it's probably a good idea I put the dog and the peanut butter up too.
Finally, I headed to the bathroom...and while I was there I decided I might as well take a piss.Maybe that was the problem maybe I just needed to take a piss....Whewww, that had to be it,worked plenty of times before..I would be fine.
Of course .....that didn't work.
I was still too busy gazing at those nice, meaty, sweater puppies of Miss Traci Lords.
dayumm it grrl !!!
No matter what I did I was still strangely afflicted with this raging flesh sword that was preventing me from fastening my 80's style Bon Jovi jeans.I decided to sit on the edge of the tub and try and negotiate with the pink one-eyed monster while flipping through a few more pages of the Holy Grail of my adolescence.
While I sat there,I grew steadily more angry at this bizarre, unnatural condition that had overcome my usually reliable and well behaved penis.Wait..I know ...I'll just hold it down until it gives up the fight and goes away.....nope not working exactly as I planned.
Hmmm... HEY ..Vanessa Williams is cool she likes naked chicks too I see..
OK ENOUGH OF THIS...I'm just going to squeeze the little bastard to death,and show it who's boss around here.....Damn it !.......I'm probably missing Club MTV right now.
I gotta figure this out, Mom is going to be home soon and I'm going to beat the shit out of that dog if he keep scratching at the door......he couldn't have ate that whole jar of peanut butter that quick.
Suddenly...it happened...
I felt this sickening in the pit of my stomach..
WHAT THE FUCK ???...I'm going throw up now ???..Wait that doesn't feel like my stomach...OMG !.... MY PENIS !!.....I KILLED IT,it's going to come off of my body...I squeezed it too hard...stop...PLEASEEEEE STOPPPPPPP......WHAT HAVE I DONE ????
OMG,I'm sorry little guy are you ok...say something...SPEAK TO ME!!!
STOP SPITTING AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD !!!!!!!!!!!!
(breathing heavily)...OMG.. OMG...what just happened ?
Well something came out of the little guy.. but it's not blood...should I save some of it to show a doctor ? I may have ruptured my spleen...I could be dying...maybe I have a disease and I don't know...I should tell someone..somebody....I should tell Mom...I need to go to the emergency room.....ok hold on, let me calm down...THINK ...THINK..
DAMN THAT FUCKING DOG... he's going to claw a hole in the door !
Well after about 10 minutes I finally calmed down and decided to keep everything quiet until I could figure out what was going on.I put the Penthouse up in the closet and went back to watching my MTV.After dinner that night, it was shower time and despite my better judgment I decided that in the name of science I would try to reproduce the same effects I had encountered earlier.I needed to know if I was dying,and if I was maybe I needed to get the poison out of myself before it spread.This could be a life and death situation and I wasn't going to roll over and die.It could be my chance to help others who might share this affliction. I'm going to do it..I will be the guinea pig for my fellow man.Besides ......earlier, I felt pretty relaxed after the initial fear of dying passed.
fast forward....(that squiggly dream thingy again)
Well it's been several years now,the little guy and I are still around, and he swears to me that as long as I drain the poison at least 3 or 4 times a week my spleen will never become infected.... Which is good news !
Still,he won't shut up about Vanessa Williams's ass,and he constantly wants to cruise the internet for Traci Lords DVDs.Other than that ..I guess you could say I showed him who was boss...
I think...?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
"Congrats..You're an Asshole : Brian Alvarez"
by Irish Joe
Greetings Semi-Faithful Trouteers !
Sorry it's been so long,but it's been a rough couple of weeks for us here at IT.
Nic's still on vacation at a secluded beach in Columbus,MS,and I have been really busy trying to learn the proper methods to control feminine itching.
However,don't worry I'm sure Nic will be back soon,they tell me he is almost ready to rejoin normal society again. I have also agreed to quit making him dance to "Careless Whisper" nude while I throw twenties at him...(I honestly didn't know that was considered gay in Mississippi).,
Anyway,It's hard,but I'm trying to do my part,all this is supposed to help Nic with his self esteem or something,but I don't see how.Besides, he was making a good $200 a week off of me and that really cool older guy who we met at the rest area.
Hahaha...he'll be back on the pole when he can't pay his rent..it's only a matter of time.
Ok,so in the meantime I have also been trying to catch up with the History Channel,and everything was going well until I begin to notice a small annoyance building up inside me.
Enter our subject ...
Mr.Brian Alvarez courtesy of our friends at BOWFLEX.
I suppose many of you have seen the commercial and you may be thinking "You are probably just jealous because this muscled up beefcake of a guy is reminding you that you are slowly wasting away to the nothingness that is old age"...COMPLETELY WRONG !!!
I did ponder this point ,but then I remembered that I am one cool ass motherfucker,and I have had more than my share of the ladies.So,I discounted this theory right away of course.
Well, I tried to do what i could to ignore this commercial,but it gets hard when it's on 2 or 3 times every commercial break.At first, I just muted it but then there's Mr.Alvarez still bearing his bucky beavers and smiling back at me,I still wanted to bitch slap the little prick so that wasn't working.
Ok yes...you're right I could have just turned the TV while it was on,but that would essentially mean that that Brian and those bastards at Bowflex had won and that isn't going to happen.Remember,I am Irish and we don't give up without a fight,and bombing some cars and shit first.
Allow me to list some of the commercials finer points :
Ok first we learn that Brian was involved in a head on collision a few years ago.
Now stay with me here,don't puss out now.Don't attempt to feel sorry for this bastard.
Lots of people have life changing moments like this everyday.Some people use this to take stock and reevaluate their lives.I don't know maybe they decide to spend more time with family,feed the poor,dedicate themselves to God..not Brian he just decides that after spending a couple of years porking out on his living room couch... he wants to look good in a pair of speedos.
Well damn son,glad you finally decided to rejoin the human race and contribute to society like the rest of us honest hard working folks !
So tell me this Brian where did you get the money to purchase the Bowflex ?
Ohhhh Thats right,you couldn't work,so you must have got a nice little settlement from that car wreck.Once again Brian has amazed us with his ability to overcome the odds.
The next few moments are filled with Brian reading off the cue cards about the glorious advantages of the Bowflex,blah, blah, fucking blah,he also informs us that we don't need to go to the gym to work out...Hey guess what asshole..we don't need a Bowflex either..ever heard of running ?... Push-up's ?.....ANYTHING like that ?
I don't use a Bowflex to maintain the awesomeness that is Irish Joe,I just rent an old abandoned Russian farm and haul around a wagon full of hot Communist snowbunnies,chop some firewood,run from KGB guys in a Mercedes,.......and what do you know within a couple of weeks,I'm back to the rippled mass of sex appeal I have always been,and believe it or not EVEN after paying off customs for that case of Russian Vodka I take home, it's still cheaper than a shitty Bowflex.Plus, I have nice manly beard by the time I get back.
so back to Brian the asshole,
Next he continues to amaze and tells us that "he gave all his FAT clothes,to his FAT friends"
Well aren't you just the picture of charity Mr.Alvarez !
Tell me are these the FAT friends who came to see you in the hospital after your wreck?
The ones that prayed by your bedside ?,gave you words of encouragement during your rehab ?......The ones who accepted you as you were,during the two years you spent feeding your face on the living room sofa ?...I'm sure they appreciate your shitty-ass, out of style, secondhand FAT clothes.It more than likely, makes up for all the sacrifice and dedication they have shown you through the years.....their world is certainly better for having you as their friend!
moving right along ,Brian tells us that he sometimes gets the "little wink" from his wife.
Aww that's sweet..nice to know that even assholes like Brian can find true love in their lifetime !
well......almost...I'm suspecting that Brian is highly unaware that the one thing chicks dig the most is....ATTENTION...yep thats right Brian...hard to believe a next generation super human like yourself missed that point.
The little wink is her MOCKING you btw..
You see while you have been busy pumping the Bowflex on the back patio,oiling up and admiring yourself in the mirror for about 5 hours everyday...she's been playing hide the sausage with the slightly overweight but by no means stuck on himself butcher at the local Piggly Wiggly or could be somebody else .....could be both......one thing I do know ...
I'm going to eat another hot dog,and I may gain another pound or so,but I take comfort in the fact that I will never be you..........because....... You sir are an Asshole !
Congrats!
P.S.all my FAT friends can keep their chubby sausage like fingers off of my FAT clothes..they're mine Lard Asses !
Sorry it's been so long,but it's been a rough couple of weeks for us here at IT.
Nic's still on vacation at a secluded beach in Columbus,MS,and I have been really busy trying to learn the proper methods to control feminine itching.
However,don't worry I'm sure Nic will be back soon,they tell me he is almost ready to rejoin normal society again. I have also agreed to quit making him dance to "Careless Whisper" nude while I throw twenties at him...(I honestly didn't know that was considered gay in Mississippi).,
Anyway,It's hard,but I'm trying to do my part,all this is supposed to help Nic with his self esteem or something,but I don't see how.Besides, he was making a good $200 a week off of me and that really cool older guy who we met at the rest area.
Hahaha...he'll be back on the pole when he can't pay his rent..it's only a matter of time.
Ok,so in the meantime I have also been trying to catch up with the History Channel,and everything was going well until I begin to notice a small annoyance building up inside me.
Enter our subject ...
Mr.Brian Alvarez courtesy of our friends at BOWFLEX.
I suppose many of you have seen the commercial and you may be thinking "You are probably just jealous because this muscled up beefcake of a guy is reminding you that you are slowly wasting away to the nothingness that is old age"...COMPLETELY WRONG !!!
I did ponder this point ,but then I remembered that I am one cool ass motherfucker,and I have had more than my share of the ladies.So,I discounted this theory right away of course.
Well, I tried to do what i could to ignore this commercial,but it gets hard when it's on 2 or 3 times every commercial break.At first, I just muted it but then there's Mr.Alvarez still bearing his bucky beavers and smiling back at me,I still wanted to bitch slap the little prick so that wasn't working.
Ok yes...you're right I could have just turned the TV while it was on,but that would essentially mean that that Brian and those bastards at Bowflex had won and that isn't going to happen.Remember,I am Irish and we don't give up without a fight,and bombing some cars and shit first.
Allow me to list some of the commercials finer points :
Ok first we learn that Brian was involved in a head on collision a few years ago.
Now stay with me here,don't puss out now.Don't attempt to feel sorry for this bastard.
Lots of people have life changing moments like this everyday.Some people use this to take stock and reevaluate their lives.I don't know maybe they decide to spend more time with family,feed the poor,dedicate themselves to God..not Brian he just decides that after spending a couple of years porking out on his living room couch... he wants to look good in a pair of speedos.
Well damn son,glad you finally decided to rejoin the human race and contribute to society like the rest of us honest hard working folks !
So tell me this Brian where did you get the money to purchase the Bowflex ?
Ohhhh Thats right,you couldn't work,so you must have got a nice little settlement from that car wreck.Once again Brian has amazed us with his ability to overcome the odds.
The next few moments are filled with Brian reading off the cue cards about the glorious advantages of the Bowflex,blah, blah, fucking blah,he also informs us that we don't need to go to the gym to work out...Hey guess what asshole..we don't need a Bowflex either..ever heard of running ?... Push-up's ?.....ANYTHING like that ?
I don't use a Bowflex to maintain the awesomeness that is Irish Joe,I just rent an old abandoned Russian farm and haul around a wagon full of hot Communist snowbunnies,chop some firewood,run from KGB guys in a Mercedes,.......and what do you know within a couple of weeks,I'm back to the rippled mass of sex appeal I have always been,and believe it or not EVEN after paying off customs for that case of Russian Vodka I take home, it's still cheaper than a shitty Bowflex.Plus, I have nice manly beard by the time I get back.
so back to Brian the asshole,
Next he continues to amaze and tells us that "he gave all his FAT clothes,to his FAT friends"
Well aren't you just the picture of charity Mr.Alvarez !
Tell me are these the FAT friends who came to see you in the hospital after your wreck?
The ones that prayed by your bedside ?,gave you words of encouragement during your rehab ?......The ones who accepted you as you were,during the two years you spent feeding your face on the living room sofa ?...I'm sure they appreciate your shitty-ass, out of style, secondhand FAT clothes.It more than likely, makes up for all the sacrifice and dedication they have shown you through the years.....their world is certainly better for having you as their friend!
moving right along ,Brian tells us that he sometimes gets the "little wink" from his wife.
Aww that's sweet..nice to know that even assholes like Brian can find true love in their lifetime !
well......almost...I'm suspecting that Brian is highly unaware that the one thing chicks dig the most is....ATTENTION...yep thats right Brian...hard to believe a next generation super human like yourself missed that point.
The little wink is her MOCKING you btw..
You see while you have been busy pumping the Bowflex on the back patio,oiling up and admiring yourself in the mirror for about 5 hours everyday...she's been playing hide the sausage with the slightly overweight but by no means stuck on himself butcher at the local Piggly Wiggly or could be somebody else .....could be both......one thing I do know ...
I'm going to eat another hot dog,and I may gain another pound or so,but I take comfort in the fact that I will never be you..........because....... You sir are an Asshole !
Congrats!
P.S.all my FAT friends can keep their chubby sausage like fingers off of my FAT clothes..they're mine Lard Asses !
"America's favorite typed game show*" by Chuck Chuckson
Hi everybody
chuck's actual thumb
I'm Chuck Chuckson and we're here to play everyone's new favorite game show....that's typed....online.....on a blog written by a portly young man in Northeast, Mississippi*
That's right folks it's time for another round of [everyone together] "Description for a Bidet, Death Metal Band, or Gay Porno". Just rolls right of the tongue
Now, I think everyone knows the rules by now but we'll go over them for first time viewers at home. I say a word, phrase, or something of the ilk and you have to tell me whether it's a random person's description of the most risque toilet related thing since 'out of tp...act like a man and wipe with your hand'.....the bidet. A Death Metal Band. OR a gay porn. Then I award points and eventually a winner based on not much more than who I like or if I think i'll get some trim out of it.
So, let's play "Discription for a Bidet, Death Metal Band, or Gay Porn"
1. "That thing that shoots liquid in your ass"
2. "Butt Sprinkler"
3. "Anal Liquifyer"
4. "Brown-eye squirter"
5. "Shit stain cleanser"
6. "Fudge washer"
7. "Booty firehose"
8. "Prevents Sludge Buildup"
9. "Butt water heaven"
10. "Doo Doo washer outer"
Remember, send your answers via comment and win some kind of weird prize that you may or may not get.
Tune in next week for the next episode.
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