Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
"Hello President Anti-Christ.....would you like coffee?" by political aficionado, Steven Gacy
Apparently...they are holding some kind of mass pick-em thing later this year that people get to vote in and the winner gets to take my money for 4 to 8 years(assuming he doesn't say a bunch of curse words on a tape and have a few fellows sneak into a hotel until Forrest Gump narcs on them) along with some other meaningless duties that no one cares about.
Well one of these guys very well may be THE FREAKIN DEVIL !
I'm gonna chase you out of earth(or whatever the hell that Kanye sample said). Seriously, I'm innocently checking my email today trying to see if anyone responded to my trade-wind article,(I'm trying to sell a copy of "The Outsiders" DVD that 6 out of the 7 guys on the cover signed. In related news, Ralph Macchio is a dickhead),and seeing if anyone sent me a link to someone doing the "My Dougie" dance.....when I see an email that said "Don't Vote For The Anti-Christ". I opened it and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't an add for penis pills until I find out that a candidate for president may also be a candidate to destroy the world. Well, I'm helping to spread the word. Although I'm not allowed to vote due to felonious complications(trumped up conviction for an idea I had involving selling pizza's and pirated dvd's/cd's as a combo. I thought this was America), I will not stand by as the world ends.
Here are some of the things I heard with my reaction to the side.
Barack Obama
1. "His middle name is Hussein"- Oh balls. We just fought someone named something like that a while back didn't we? Now there is another one? It's not like that's a common name anywhere or anything, right? I mean....I don't know no Husseins. This is actually doubly alarming to me because my middle name is Alexander. There was a really really bad movie called "Alexander" and the guy in it was gay. I'm getting my middle name changed to John Wayne tomorrow damn it. Steven John Wayne Gacy. No one can say anything bad about that.
2. "He is Muslim"- Well, as long as he's not a Scientologist
3. "He once kicked a puppy during the pledge of allegiance"
4. "He bought Wal-Mart in 1987"
5. "He also owns most gas stations"
6. "In 1967, he performed an abortion on a woman who was 8 months pregnant.....WITH A HOT WIRE HANGER"
7. "He has unpaid traffic tickets....is he better than the rest of us?"
8. "Obama sorta sounds like Osama"
9. "He enjoys listening to Trace Adkins"
10. "He has the mark of the beast tattooed on his left ass cheek"
That's nothing. He enjoys listening to Trace Adkins.
*This column paid for by FoxNews*
Monday, June 23, 2008
"Crackman Jones" by Ayatollah Nic
I'm gonna need to tell you a backstory to tell this story. I've been known to tell tales Tarantino(Alliteration. Screw you Mrs Packard, I did learn something) style(which is to go all around the world for a point that seems not worth making when compared to the effort. I guess this is probably useful in writing)
For this blog, we're gonna hop in the way back machine with Mr Peabody and travel back to April 2005. I was over Nicky "Mofo" Shelton's house for one of my top sports days of the year(at that time) THE NFL DRAFT. I used to get hyped for the draft. I would watch the selections and then go home and create all the guys on Madden on their new teams and play with them(No Homo). Early in the day I was watching Fred Rouse in a high school all american game....he stole the show(HEYOOOOO! Get it? Cause he's a thief and got kicked out of Florida State for stealing stuff. Eh? How do you get kicked out of Florida State? Jeez. Niko Bellic couldn't even get kicked out of FSU if he was decent at football)
Anyway, we switched on the draft. I was particularly excited because my NFL team (The Tennessee Titans) were picking Number 6. I knew we needed a cornerback and was hoping we'd pick up Antrelle Rolle of Miami(now with the Arizona Cardinals). Most people had us taking Adam 'Pacman' Jones. All things considered....I should've liked Pacman. Kickass nickname.....check. Good player......check. Dreadlocks........check. Hell, I'd have probably voted him for president. Something about him gave me a bad feeling though. I get these gut feelings that are 94 percent accurate(with a 6 percent window of fail rate just in case I eat Chinese food). They drafted him and I said a swear word and kept it moving, hoping for the best.
It went perfectly....except the exact opposite. He held out of camp, got in a fight with Steve McNair's body guard, got pissy with vets if they called him 'Adam'(his first name) and got burned by Torry Holt continually in one of his first games so bad that I thought he'd probably retire and try porn or something(he already had a good porn name)
(speed round)
Then he got better. Then he went to Vegas. Then he made in rain(threw $81,020 at strippers at a club). Then he (allegedly)slammed the strippers head into the stage. Then he got his ass whipped by a bouncer. Then he threatened the bouncer. Then the bouncer got shot and is still paralyzed. Then he got charged by LVPD with several things and suspended from the NFL. Then the Titans traded him to the Dallas Cowboys....which brings us up to date.
So he's a Cowboy now(because that's a good idea). This week, in what was undoubtedly a decision by Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders(because it just sounds like something they'd come up with) Pacman requested that he is referred to as 'Adam' henceforth(because it was all the nickname's fault)
Well, I have exclusive footage of the conversation "Adam Jones" had right before he made the decision that dropping his nickname would keep him out of trouble. Without further ado....
You just know he's going to play 10 pro-bowl years for the Cowboys and never get in trouble again. My enemy has a first name, it's K-A-R-M-A
For this blog, we're gonna hop in the way back machine with Mr Peabody and travel back to April 2005. I was over Nicky "Mofo" Shelton's house for one of my top sports days of the year(at that time) THE NFL DRAFT. I used to get hyped for the draft. I would watch the selections and then go home and create all the guys on Madden on their new teams and play with them(No Homo). Early in the day I was watching Fred Rouse in a high school all american game....he stole the show(HEYOOOOO! Get it? Cause he's a thief and got kicked out of Florida State for stealing stuff. Eh? How do you get kicked out of Florida State? Jeez. Niko Bellic couldn't even get kicked out of FSU if he was decent at football)
Anyway, we switched on the draft. I was particularly excited because my NFL team (The Tennessee Titans) were picking Number 6. I knew we needed a cornerback and was hoping we'd pick up Antrelle Rolle of Miami(now with the Arizona Cardinals). Most people had us taking Adam 'Pacman' Jones. All things considered....I should've liked Pacman. Kickass nickname.....check. Good player......check. Dreadlocks........check. Hell, I'd have probably voted him for president. Something about him gave me a bad feeling though. I get these gut feelings that are 94 percent accurate(with a 6 percent window of fail rate just in case I eat Chinese food). They drafted him and I said a swear word and kept it moving, hoping for the best.
It went perfectly....except the exact opposite. He held out of camp, got in a fight with Steve McNair's body guard, got pissy with vets if they called him 'Adam'(his first name) and got burned by Torry Holt continually in one of his first games so bad that I thought he'd probably retire and try porn or something(he already had a good porn name)
(speed round)
Then he got better. Then he went to Vegas. Then he made in rain(threw $81,020 at strippers at a club). Then he (allegedly)slammed the strippers head into the stage. Then he got his ass whipped by a bouncer. Then he threatened the bouncer. Then the bouncer got shot and is still paralyzed. Then he got charged by LVPD with several things and suspended from the NFL. Then the Titans traded him to the Dallas Cowboys....which brings us up to date.
So he's a Cowboy now(because that's a good idea). This week, in what was undoubtedly a decision by Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders(because it just sounds like something they'd come up with) Pacman requested that he is referred to as 'Adam' henceforth(because it was all the nickname's fault)
Well, I have exclusive footage of the conversation "Adam Jones" had right before he made the decision that dropping his nickname would keep him out of trouble. Without further ado....
You just know he's going to play 10 pro-bowl years for the Cowboys and never get in trouble again. My enemy has a first name, it's K-A-R-M-A
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Introduction-Ayatollah Nic
Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Hov. OH SHIT! Wrong paper. That's actually Jay-Z. My name(for the purposes of this Blog) is Ayatollah(I-uh-toll-uh) Nic....or Nic for short. I'm a man of many hats with such a large head that none of them fit.
I'm starting this blog because I'm a self important schmuck who thinks he is witty....and I'm on truth serum right now. I live in Mississippi.......I'll give you time to stop laughing..........go ahead....get it all out......and.......ok.
This blog(and I wish I had a different word for it) will touch on a lot of things, mostly because my attention span sucks and I forget where I was going with things a lot. I'll do a lot of the writing while my extremely fertile friend(he has something like 47 kids......he's Catholic), Irish Joe, does the graphics and contributes in other ways that I'm inadequate(like humping my wife).
I hope to have other people ghostwrite things for me because I'm probably gonna get tired of writing for you douchers pretty quick. I'll pay people a shiny nickel if they contribute in good ways through postings, comments or otherwise and have a couple of ideas lined up for this. I'll be in character for a few post and I'll allow my EXTREMELY unstable friends and family to post on random days to liven things up. They should all probably be heavily medicated or taken off black market medication just depending on which person you're talking about.....and I'm going to give them a soap box to stand on and rant while you all laugh and hope to never encounter anyone like them. Should be fun.
Until then, remember.......if you don't read my blog then you will end up just like your dad. I don't know what this means, but apparently no one wants to grow up to be like their dad....so read it asshole.
I'm starting this blog because I'm a self important schmuck who thinks he is witty....and I'm on truth serum right now. I live in Mississippi.......I'll give you time to stop laughing..........go ahead....get it all out......and.......ok.
This blog(and I wish I had a different word for it) will touch on a lot of things, mostly because my attention span sucks and I forget where I was going with things a lot. I'll do a lot of the writing while my extremely fertile friend(he has something like 47 kids......he's Catholic), Irish Joe, does the graphics and contributes in other ways that I'm inadequate(like humping my wife).
I hope to have other people ghostwrite things for me because I'm probably gonna get tired of writing for you douchers pretty quick. I'll pay people a shiny nickel if they contribute in good ways through postings, comments or otherwise and have a couple of ideas lined up for this. I'll be in character for a few post and I'll allow my EXTREMELY unstable friends and family to post on random days to liven things up. They should all probably be heavily medicated or taken off black market medication just depending on which person you're talking about.....and I'm going to give them a soap box to stand on and rant while you all laugh and hope to never encounter anyone like them. Should be fun.
Until then, remember.......if you don't read my blog then you will end up just like your dad. I don't know what this means, but apparently no one wants to grow up to be like their dad....so read it asshole.
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