"Crackman Jones" by Ayatollah Nic

I'm gonna need to tell you a backstory to tell this story. I've been known to tell tales Tarantino(Alliteration. Screw you Mrs Packard, I did learn something) style(which is to go all around the world for a point that seems not worth making when compared to the effort. I guess this is probably useful in writing)


For this blog, we're gonna hop in the way back machine with Mr Peabody and travel back to April 2005. I was over Nicky "Mofo" Shelton's house for one of my top sports days of the year(at that time) THE NFL DRAFT. I used to get hyped for the draft. I would watch the selections and then go home and create all the guys on Madden on their new teams and play with them(No Homo). Early in the day I was watching Fred Rouse in a high school all american game....he stole the show(HEYOOOOO! Get it? Cause he's a thief and got kicked out of Florida State for stealing stuff. Eh? How do you get kicked out of Florida State? Jeez. Niko Bellic couldn't even get kicked out of FSU if he was decent at football)


Anyway, we switched on the draft. I was particularly excited because my NFL team (The Tennessee Titans) were picking Number 6. I knew we needed a cornerback and was hoping we'd pick up Antrelle Rolle of Miami(now with the Arizona Cardinals). Most people had us taking Adam 'Pacman' Jones. All things considered....I should've liked Pacman. Kickass nickname.....check. Good player......check. Dreadlocks........check. Hell, I'd have probably voted him for president. Something about him gave me a bad feeling though. I get these gut feelings that are 94 percent accurate(with a 6 percent window of fail rate just in case I eat Chinese food). They drafted him and I said a swear word and kept it moving, hoping for the best.


It went perfectly....except the exact opposite. He held out of camp, got in a fight with Steve McNair's body guard, got pissy with vets if they called him 'Adam'(his first name) and got burned by Torry Holt continually in one of his first games so bad that I thought he'd probably retire and try porn or something(he already had a good porn name)


(speed round)

Then he got better. Then he went to Vegas. Then he made in rain(threw $81,020 at strippers at a club). Then he (allegedly)slammed the strippers head into the stage. Then he got his ass whipped by a bouncer. Then he threatened the bouncer. Then the bouncer got shot and is still paralyzed. Then he got charged by LVPD with several things and suspended from the NFL. Then the Titans traded him to the Dallas Cowboys....which brings us up to date.


So he's a Cowboy now(because that's a good idea). This week, in what was undoubtedly a decision by Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders(because it just sounds like something they'd come up with) Pacman requested that he is referred to as 'Adam' henceforth(because it was all the nickname's fault)


Well, I have exclusive footage of the conversation "Adam Jones" had right before he made the decision that dropping his nickname would keep him out of trouble. Without further ado....

You just know he's going to play 10 pro-bowl years for the Cowboys and never get in trouble again. My enemy has a first name, it's K-A-R-M-A