"Ask Joe"

"Ask Joe" is a column in which we make up questions based on 'realish' events that people we know have been through and then make up answers while pretending to be Joe Kines. If you'd like to submit a question to Coach Kines, do so in the comment section and prepare to be mocked and to receive almost no help.....sorta like Dear Abby and every other advice column


In this week's column, Joe will attempt to help a portly fellow with an irrational and humorous fear of the guy who prepares steaks at Barnhills and Ryan's.















Dear Joe,

I'm a 20 something in Northeast Mississippi and I have a problem that I need help with. You see, almost everyone in my family is fairly large....myself included. In fact....my older brother and myself almost died on a water ride called the "Backsplash" in Philadelphia, MS because we ignored the "400 lb weight limit" knowing good and damned well that we exceeded that total by a combined weight of 200 pounds. Luckily, the stoner 16 year old working the ride saved us from ourselves and made us go separately. But that has little to do with my problem. In fact....most of America is catching up with us or passing us....so we're all good on that front. No, no....my problem has to do with the fact that my family loves to go to all you can eat buffets.....and I.....well........I'm scared of the steak man/woman.

Don't judge me damnit!

I know it's weird....but people have weird phobias. Some people are scared of clowns. Some people are scared of pickles. Some people are scared of clowns with pickles. Some people are scared of Crispin Glover doing a song about clowns and pickles. I'm scared of the steak man.....or rather....the interaction with the steak man. Call it bovis-homosapious phobia. It's like....I know I want steak or smoked sausage or whatever he is pushing today. He knows I want it the way I'm eyeing it. I just can't bring myself to ask him because I feel like it goes like this:

(individual thoughts in parentheses)


Me: Um....let me get a cut of steak and maybe some smoked sausage as well.

( God, this guys hat is intimidating and he also has a knife. He probably thinks I'm fat )


Steak guy: .....Cuts meat and looks mean. Says something that no one could possibly understand

Me: .....Thinks about making small talk before realizing that I hate small talk and wouldn't dare talk about the weather or something so trivial.


Steak guy: .....cuts the smallest possible slab of meat and puts it on the plate
That enough?

( Hell naw that ain't enough,this big ass dude is gonna want more... haha. Look at him,he wants more of it... haha.... Fat som' bitch )


Me: Um......yeah.......thanks.

(damn,this is a small ass piece of meat. maybe I'll grab half a roll and make a sandwich. )



It irritates the hell out of me Coach Kines. Why would they make this the one section that I can't self serve(along with drinks....which I don't seem to have a problem asking for) Help Coach!


Thanks,
Chubby....but well hung in Columbus





CHUBBY,

FIRST OF ALL, WHY DO ALL THESE DAMNED QUESTIONS COME OUT OF NORTHEAST MISSISSIPPI? CRAZY ASS PEOPLE. MAKE DELIVERANCE, GEORGIA SEEM NORMAL. NOW, FOR YOUR QUESTION. AIN'T NOTHIN WRONG WITH BEING BIG. REMEMBER THAT GAME....OKIE STATE....COULDN'T STOP THAT OL INSIDE TROUT. WHAT DID I DO? I THREW IT TO ANDRE SMITH'S HUGE ASS AND LET HIM EARTHQUAKE IT IN FOR 6 POINTS. SHIT BOY, FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS MAKE THE ROCKIN WORLD GO ROUND. SAY,YOU TAKE SOMEONE HOME FROM A BAR AND CAN'T FIND YOUR ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MORNING....BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLAP. THATS CALLED COMPROMISE AND TRADE OFF. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID IT...SO DID DANIEL BOONE. NO TIME TO STOP. YOU CAN BUY A NEW TOOTHBRUSH BUT YOU CAN'T BUY A NEW REPUTATION AND DOWNSTAIRS HAIRY BEANBAG. NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME STEAK....MAYBE A FIFTH OF SCOTCH. GO HARD OR GO HOME SON.

SINCERELY,
COACH KINES