"Congrats..You're an Asshole : Brian Alvarez" by Irish Joe

Greetings Semi-Faithful Trouteers !

Sorry it's been so long,but it's been a rough couple of weeks for us here at IT.
Nic's still on vacation at a secluded beach in Columbus,MS,and I have been really busy trying to learn the proper methods to control feminine itching.

However,don't worry I'm sure Nic will be back soon,they tell me he is almost ready to rejoin normal society again. I have also agreed to quit making him dance to "Careless Whisper" nude while I throw twenties at him...(I honestly didn't know that was considered gay in Mississippi).,
Anyway,It's hard,but I'm trying to do my part,all this is supposed to help Nic with his self esteem or something,but I don't see how.Besides, he was making a good $200 a week off of me and that really cool older guy who we met at the rest area.

Hahaha...he'll be back on the pole when he can't pay his rent..it's only a matter of time.

Ok,so in the meantime I have also been trying to catch up with the History Channel,and everything was going well until I begin to notice a small annoyance building up inside me.

Enter our subject ...


Mr.Brian Alvarez courtesy of our friends at BOWFLEX.






I suppose many of you have seen the commercial and you may be thinking "You are probably just jealous because this muscled up beefcake of a guy is reminding you that you are slowly wasting away to the nothingness that is old age"...COMPLETELY WRONG !!!
I did ponder this point ,but then I remembered that I am one cool ass motherfucker,and I have had more than my share of the ladies.So,I discounted this theory right away of course.
Well, I tried to do what i could to ignore this commercial,but it gets hard when it's on 2 or 3 times every commercial break.At first, I just muted it but then there's Mr.Alvarez still bearing his bucky beavers and smiling back at me,I still wanted to bitch slap the little prick so that wasn't working.
Ok yes...you're right I could have just turned the TV while it was on,but that would essentially mean that that Brian and those bastards at Bowflex had won and that isn't going to happen.Remember,I am Irish and we don't give up without a fight,and bombing some cars and shit first.

Allow me to list some of the commercials finer points :

Ok first we learn that Brian was involved in a head on collision a few years ago.
Now stay with me here,don't puss out now.Don't attempt to feel sorry for this bastard.
Lots of people have life changing moments like this everyday.Some people use this to take stock and reevaluate their lives.I don't know maybe they decide to spend more time with family,feed the poor,dedicate themselves to God..not Brian he just decides that after spending a couple of years porking out on his living room couch... he wants to look good in a pair of speedos.
Well damn son,glad you finally decided to rejoin the human race and contribute to society like the rest of us honest hard working folks !

So tell me this Brian where did you get the money to purchase the Bowflex ?

Ohhhh Thats right,you couldn't work,so you must have got a nice little settlement from that car wreck.Once again Brian has amazed us with his ability to overcome the odds.

The next few moments are filled with Brian reading off the cue cards about the glorious advantages of the Bowflex,blah, blah, fucking blah,he also informs us that we don't need to go to the gym to work out...Hey guess what asshole..we don't need a Bowflex either..ever heard of running ?... Push-up's ?.....ANYTHING like that ?

I don't use a Bowflex to maintain the awesomeness that is Irish Joe,I just rent an old abandoned Russian farm and haul around a wagon full of hot Communist snowbunnies,chop some firewood,run from KGB guys in a Mercedes,.......and what do you know within a couple of weeks,I'm back to the rippled mass of sex appeal I have always been,and believe it or not EVEN after paying off customs for that case of Russian Vodka I take home, it's still cheaper than a shitty Bowflex.Plus, I have nice manly beard by the time I get back.

so back to Brian the asshole,

Next he continues to amaze and tells us that "he gave all his FAT clothes,to his FAT friends"

Well aren't you just the picture of charity Mr.Alvarez !

Tell me are these the FAT friends who came to see you in the hospital after your wreck?
The ones that prayed by your bedside ?,gave you words of encouragement during your rehab ?......The ones who accepted you as you were,during the two years you spent feeding your face on the living room sofa ?...I'm sure they appreciate your shitty-ass, out of style, secondhand FAT clothes.It more than likely, makes up for all the sacrifice and dedication they have shown you through the years.....their world is certainly better for having you as their friend!

moving right along ,Brian tells us that he sometimes gets the "little wink" from his wife.
Aww that's sweet..nice to know that even assholes like Brian can find true love in their lifetime !

well......almost...I'm suspecting that Brian is highly unaware that the one thing chicks dig the most is....ATTENTION...yep thats right Brian...hard to believe a next generation super human like yourself missed that point.

The little wink is her MOCKING you btw..

You see while you have been busy pumping the Bowflex on the back patio,oiling up and admiring yourself in the mirror for about 5 hours everyday...she's been playing hide the sausage with the slightly overweight but by no means stuck on himself butcher at the local Piggly Wiggly or could be somebody else .....could be both......one thing I do know ...
I'm going to eat another hot dog,and I may gain another pound or so,but I take comfort in the fact that I will never be you..........because....... You sir are an Asshole !

Congrats!


P.S.all my FAT friends can keep their chubby sausage like fingers off of my FAT clothes..they're mine Lard Asses !