Irish Joe's Look Back : aka The First Time

ahhhh the first time...
We all remember it, we all hold it dear and nothing will ever replace it in our hearts.It is a sacred time to each of us and one of our fondest memories.Something that we will relive in our minds countless times till our dying day.

Right now,you may be thinking.... what the hell is that crazy Irish bastard talking about ?

The first time I kissed a girl ?
The first time I beat my Grandmother at Scrabble ?
The first time I played naked twister on the living room rug with a half dozen well oiled, Dominican transsexuals ?

Noooooo.... WRONG !!!!

I am speaking of the first time we all got off....and no I'm not talking about the first time you did the horizontal mambo with the chubby pimple faced whore who lived next door to you...(damn you didn't know everybody in town was hitting that) ?
I am talking about the ol' tried and true past time of choking the chicken,bopping the bologna,tugging the tubesteak..you know...jacking off ...ladies for you, I am referring to the first time you were the house DJ at Club Vagina.

Ok now, that we are all on the same page,it's story time boys and girls...



I think it all started about age 12 for me.I remember ( insert squiggly dream-like sequence lines )... it was about 1985 or so on a hot summer afternoon and I was sitting at home watching MTV back when they played music aka (before the chicks and old dudes took over and forced us to watch reality shows with dumbfucks all day). Anyway,my mother and my brother had left to go to the store and I was given free reign of the homestead aka crappy apartment we lived in.
There I was a free semi-grown man making my way through the cruel city streets...a real desperado out on my own..a lone wolf .....ok so I locked the door when they left and never really went outside.

Fine...that much is true...but I did go out onto our balcony which just so happened to overlook the complex's pool area.
As I gazed around at the various sights in front of me I noticed one of the apartment complex lovelies was sunning herself by the pool.Now,It's been awhile and I couldn't recall her name even if I was forced to be the bottom man on a pile of naked terrorist detainees in some federal prison.However,
I'll tell you what I do remember..I can STILL picture her in that black 2 piece bikini with her auburn colored hair glistening in the afternoon sunlight.Small droplets of sweat mingling on her skin and the smell of jasmine in the air.(I made that part about jasmine up..Hey fuck off..it's my memory,I can embellish a little ) She was beeee-uuuu--ti---full without a doubt though.

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Gurrrrrrlll's got an asssss like I nevaaa seeeenn...and the ride ...I said the ride.........was soooooo smoothh..(umm.....sorry about that)

Ok so after I noticed that the curse my mother told me about where guys turn to stone if they stare at girl's nice firm C cups,and perfect ass too long was starting to come to fruition starting in my boxer shorts,I decided to go back inside to regain my composure.
Well of course,nothing was going to stop years of superior genetic breeding from rearing it's ugly head and making me want to hump the couch or anything that moved for some reason unbeknownest to me.

what to do ?...what to do ? ..

I decided I would go with the flow and pursue this course of action.Hey..wait a minute..I believe there is something on the top shelf of the closet in Mom's room calling my name.Yes...yes.. there it was.The only thing left behind by Mom's last husband or stepfather # 341 ,when he went out for that pack of Winston's that apparently necessitated him packing up all his clothes up and taking a road trip to New York to find.
I'm not really sure why we still had it,but sure enough there it was....and it was GOLD to me at that moment.In fact ,it would still be gold today if I had a copy.Of course,I'm referring to the 1984 September issue of Penthouse magazine.



One of the finest examples of literary and photographic works in the modern era it contained 3 separate pictorials featuring Hypathia Lee,Vanessa Williams,and Traci Lords...Yep,two porn stars and a black Miss America...that is pure magic and something my friends that will never be produced again in the same magazine.... NEVER AGAIN !
Not to mention,enough clues in the Penthouse forum for even the most awkward geeky forum blogger to figure out a general idea of sex.

I got it out of the closet and proceeded with trembling hands to gently pry back the pages of this masterpiece,when I started to worry about about getting busted standing there with this instrument of the devil in my hands.Surely Mom,wasn't ready to know her little man had these emotions stirring deep within him..the desire to ..gulp...see chicks butt-ass nakie ?
No,she wouldn't understand and my brother if he saw would only have material for the next twenty years for every family reunion, cook out, and Thanksgiving dinner.Looking back,it's probably a good idea I put the dog and the peanut butter up too.

Finally, I headed to the bathroom...and while I was there I decided I might as well take a piss.Maybe that was the problem maybe I just needed to take a piss....Whewww, that had to be it,worked plenty of times before..I would be fine.

Of course .....that didn't work.

I was still too busy gazing at those nice, meaty, sweater puppies of Miss Traci Lords.


dayumm it grrl !!!

No matter what I did I was still strangely afflicted with this raging flesh sword that was preventing me from fastening my 80's style Bon Jovi jeans.I decided to sit on the edge of the tub and try and negotiate with the pink one-eyed monster while flipping through a few more pages of the Holy Grail of my adolescence.

While I sat there,I grew steadily more angry at this bizarre, unnatural condition that had overcome my usually reliable and well behaved penis.Wait..I know ...I'll just hold it down until it gives up the fight and goes away.....nope not working exactly as I planned.

Hmmm... HEY ..Vanessa Williams is cool she likes naked chicks too I see..

OK ENOUGH OF THIS...I'm just going to squeeze the little bastard to death,and show it who's boss around here.....Damn it !.......I'm probably missing Club MTV right now.

I gotta figure this out, Mom is going to be home soon and I'm going to beat the shit out of that dog if he keep scratching at the door......he couldn't have ate that whole jar of peanut butter that quick.

Suddenly...it happened...

I felt this sickening in the pit of my stomach..

WHAT THE FUCK ???...I'm going throw up now ???..Wait that doesn't feel like my stomach...OMG !.... MY PENIS !!.....I KILLED IT,it's going to come off of my body...I squeezed it too hard...stop...PLEASEEEEE STOPPPPPPP......WHAT HAVE I DONE ????

OMG,I'm sorry little guy are you ok...say something...SPEAK TO ME!!!

STOP SPITTING AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD !!!!!!!!!!!!

(breathing heavily)...OMG.. OMG...what just happened ?
Well something came out of the little guy.. but it's not blood...should I save some of it to show a doctor ? I may have ruptured my spleen...I could be dying...maybe I have a disease and I don't know...I should tell someone..somebody....I should tell Mom...I need to go to the emergency room.....ok hold on, let me calm down...THINK ...THINK..

DAMN THAT FUCKING DOG... he's going to claw a hole in the door !

Well after about 10 minutes I finally calmed down and decided to keep everything quiet until I could figure out what was going on.I put the Penthouse up in the closet and went back to watching my MTV.After dinner that night, it was shower time and despite my better judgment I decided that in the name of science I would try to reproduce the same effects I had encountered earlier.I needed to know if I was dying,and if I was maybe I needed to get the poison out of myself before it spread.This could be a life and death situation and I wasn't going to roll over and die.It could be my chance to help others who might share this affliction. I'm going to do it..I will be the guinea pig for my fellow man.Besides ......earlier, I felt pretty relaxed after the initial fear of dying passed.

fast forward....(that squiggly dream thingy again)

Well it's been several years now,the little guy and I are still around, and he swears to me that as long as I drain the poison at least 3 or 4 times a week my spleen will never become infected.... Which is good news !
Still,he won't shut up about Vanessa Williams's ass,and he constantly wants to cruise the internet for Traci Lords DVDs.Other than that ..I guess you could say I showed him who was boss...

I think...?